Wednesday 27 February 2013

I Get The Last Laugh

Did you know that you can hire a professional mourner to cry at your funeral?

Admittedly it may cost you a few quid as you'd have to fly the mourner in from Taiwan, but it's a great idea and I think it will catch on here.

I'm definitely hiring her for my funeral.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on going anytime soon. Like everyone, I want to  go to heaven - just not today.

But what I DO want to do is prove all my enemies wrong who say no-one will be crying when I die...

Thursday 21 February 2013

How Much Is George Galloway Worth?

I don't normally pay much attention to George Galloway (unless he's putting the wind up a bunch of pompous American politicians in the US Senate, that is).

So why is Gorgeous George so in favour with me at the moment?

Simple. I just won a tenner on a bet because of him.

He was recently on TV and my friend and I bet each other how long it would take Gorgeous George to blurt out some obscure word that is not in common use in the English language to try and make himself sound cleverer than he really is.

I won.

Thanks Georgie boy.

I salute your indefatigability


Monday 28 January 2013

My Five A Day

In Scotland, eating habits are the second major cause of poor health (smoking is number one).

I've always felt that balance in my daily diet is the key to healthy eating and that means a little of what's bad for you is good for you.

That's why as I write this post I'm eating a bar of Cadburys Fruit & Nut and a Terrys Chocolate Orange.

That's three of my five a day taken care of already.

Thursday 24 January 2013

Why We Won't Invade North Korea

North Korea looks set to suffer from another round of UN sanctions shortly unless it gives up its nuclear weapons program.

Insiders say that the tin-pot dictatorship would be willing to give up their nuclear capability if the West, particularly the US, agree not to invade or attack them.

If the West want to throw in the offer of a bit of financial aid that would sweeten the deal too.

But hang on Kim Jung Un. Before you give up your nukes and get your nappies in a twist, think about this for a moment.

I reckon the West will never invade you in North Korea because:

1. You DON'T have any oil

2. You DO have a nuclear bomb

Iran, on the other hand, DON'T have a nuclear bomb and DO have oil.

Hold on to your hat Ayatollah!


As mentioned in a previous post, British PM David Cameron has begun his re-election campaign early by giving his long awaited Euro speech and promising an in/out vote on Britains membership of the European Union. That should keep his back benchers happy, get Labour on the back foot, and keep Nigel Farage quiet for a while.

At PMQ's (Prime Ministers Questions) in Parliament yesterday, he made it quite clear that he personally believes Britain will fare much better if we remain part of the EU.

Methinks he's wearing rose-tinted spectacles.

(*Warning, old joke coming up...)

In David Camerons vision of Europe he thinks that all the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and the bankers are Swiss.

But in the real Europe the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and the bankers are Italian.

P.S. I should also add that any readers who object to this post on the grounds that it's not politically correct, displays bad taste, or blatantly encourages the use of european stereotypes, please watch last years Eurovision Song Contest before getting back to me  ;-)

iPhone 5

Sorry, I just don't see what the fuss is about.

I have one of the older iPhone 3GS models. The geeks out there laugh at me and assure me my iPhone is as ancient as the pyramids and the type of phone Fred Flintstone would use (if he wasn't a fictional character of course).

I don't care because when I bought my old iPhone 3GS all those years ago I spent exactly 1 week downloading and playing with tons of "apps" and thinking how wonderful it was. Then after 1 week of playing like a kid with a new toy, I got bored.

I've since spent the last 3 years using it to purely make phone calls and send the odd text message. OK, I admit I also check the occasional email and Google the odd answer at my local pubs quiz night when no-one's looking, but that's about it.

So don't expect to see me with the new super-duper iPhone 5 anytime soon. Unless it comes with a Blackberry Messenger app and a Nokia battery installed I'm afraid I'm not interested.

And if you happen to get a new iPhone 5 and decide you want to show it off to me, don't bother. If it can make a phone call and send a text message then it's no more attractive to me than the iPhone I've already got.

Which reminds me of a joke...

How can you tell if someone has the new iPhone 5?

You don't need to, they'll soon tell you.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

Treating The Electorate Like Mugs

David Cameron, the British Prime Minister was elected in 2010 and has just today said the British people can have an in/out referendum vote on whether they want to stay in Europe by the end of 2017.

In Scotland the First Minister Alex Salmond and his ruling SNP party, in power since 2007,  similarly granted the Scottish people a referendum on whether Scotland should gain independence from the UK at the end of 2014.

Are we, the people, really so stupid and unintelligent that Messrs. Cameron and Salmond need 7 years to explain these debates to us?

Or is it simply that politicians continue to treat us with contempt and will only allow us to have a say when they can be sure we'll answer the way they want?

Come to think of it, General Elections only come around every 5 years, yet our elected representatives seem to like to use a 7 year time-scale.

Issues they put out for debate today may not be decided until long after they've gone.

So I'm going to take a leaf out of their book...

Who wants to lend me £100 and I'll pay you back 2 years after I die?

Tuesday 22 January 2013

Yes Prime Minister

I grew up watching Yes Minister and subsequently Yes Prime Minister. It was so quick witted and sharp it was a joy to watch and essential viewing.

So, with bated breath and great anticipation I recently sat down in front of my TV, mug of tea in one hand and an empire biscuit in the other, ready to be transported back to those good old days of Sir Humphrey and Jim Hacker jostling to be top dog in the political kennels.

I've now watched two episodes and...well...I can't make my mind up whether I like it or not.

What confuses me is that the characters and script writers are the same. The new actors are excellent and Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynns scripts are as witty as ever.

But for some reason it's just not working for me. It seems there are others of the same mind and the critics are having a field day panning the new series:

I've now figured out that it's actually nothing to do with the actors or the scripts.

It's just that Paul Eddington, Nigel Hawthorne and Derek Fowlds are so engrained in my mind that my brain just isn't comfortable hearing words that Paul, Nigel and Derek should be saying being spoken by, well, actors who are not Paul, Nigel and Derek.

Maybe they should have made this new series a radio show and employed Rory Bremner and Alistair McGowan to provide the voices?

Cher Ceases To Exist

I was taken by surprise today when I briefly glimpsed at a TV news bulletin which I mistakenly thought said that Cher was bankrupt and had lost her house.

Turns out the popular singers finances are just fine.

The "Cher" they were referring to was actually a popular Cash and Carry business in Glasgow called "The House Of Sher" which sold DIY products and fancy goods.

Administrators have been called in to wind up the business.

No jokes about going "bust", disposing of "old relics" or handling "plastic goods" please.

Death By Addiction

So, a British grandmother may face a firing squad for smuggling nearly 5 kilos of cocaine in to Bali:

Seems the British government is up in arms and the Foreign office are objecting strongly to the death sentence.

Amnesty International have described her sentence as "cruel".

The quantity of drugs she was caught with had a street value of around £1.6 million. That's a lot of one-gram bags.

Most drug dealers like to delude themselves by claiming that they are simply satisfying a demand. They churn out the same well-worn phrase over and over again. "Don't blame me Guv, if the addicts didn't buy it, we wouldn't sell it...".

However addiction often ends in death for the user. It's not a nice death either.

Before the addict dies of their addiction they usually go through a dark prolonged period of mental torment as the addiction grows and the habit becomes harder to break.

The addict will go through months, often years, of pain and misery as they see everything they cherished in life slowly disappear - their friends, their posessions, their job, and finally their life.

Death by addiction is one of the slowest, cruelest, most horrible ways to die.

Death by firing squad is much quicker and less painful.


OK, forget about the collapse of the eurozone, war, death, and destruction in the middle-east, third world poverty and hunger and hurricanes, tsunamis, and earthquakes.

Listen up people - something much more important is happening in the world...

Michelle Obama has a new hair-do.

I give up, I really do <sigh>